Written by Patrick McNamara

Happy Birthday, America! I didn’t know what to get you this year so I got you some dynamic online digital blob content. Please read. Please stream.

And if you don’t like it, you can always return it. Just pretend you never wasted precious minutes engaging with this feature when you could have been procrastinating elsewhere. But I highly doubt you’ll regret the experience. Because with a name like Oh My Rockness it’s gotta be good!

These are The Best Shows This Weekend. Please enjoy them. Dedicated to stars and stripes and fireworks and fireflies. Forever and Ever. Amen.

Thursday - July 3rd, 2014 A.D.

Atlanta’s The Black Lips play a free summer show (click that link if you want the jasmine in your mind blown again) at House of Vans tonight. Oh, what will those rascal punker rockers have in store for us this time! Keep in mind, I am definitely bringing my protective poncho. The combination of blood, spit, semen, and vomit can make for some enormously pesky stains. And I just got these dazzling white pants the day after Memorial Day!

Phoenix’s Destruction Unit play The Studio at Webster Hall. If you don’t wear earplugs to this one you’re an idiot. I say this because I care about you. This blob wants to make sure you can still hear the sweet streams in your golden years. Like this one….

Have a meal with artist Lydia Lunch. The NYC No Wave legend and true original #alt plays a Backyard BBQ at Trans-Pecos with a bunch of other peeps. Ask her about her ethos as she’s passing you the mustard. You won’t regret it.

Vince Clarke plays Music Hall of Williamsburg. He was one of the original members of Depeche Mode and still gets a little respect in Erasure. I just found out this guy lives in my neighborhood. Which was a shock to me. Because I certainly have never seen him at Connecticut Muffin - the hot spot where everybody who’s anybody goes.

Vince Clarke wrote this song. And whenever I listen to it I just want more and more of it.

Other notable shows = Walter Martin of The Walkmen doing a free show for kids in Madison Square Park + Au Revoir Simone at MoMa (soooo already mentioned tho!) +

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Friday - July 4th, 2014 A.D.

Let’s stop being polite, please. And start getting real...if that’s OK with you….but no worries either way. The only show you’re probably going to see on the 4th of July is explosions in the sky.

But there are some good options for the alts who just can't get enough of the live music rock 'n roll concert shows. Are you going to be in Montauk this weekend, perchance? If so, two things. #1 I'm jealous you suck. #2 Red Bull Sound Select has lined up four pretty good shows there. "A Weekend in Montauk" includes performances by Nothing + St. Lucia + ASTR + a bunch more goodness. Check out the full lineup by clicking that link. And then bring me back some sand. There's sand in Montauk right? I've never been there.

And Silent Barn has a good situation starting at 1 PM today. It's all on the hush-hush. But here are the bands probably playing. Consider going that. But you didn't hear it from me.

Most importantly. Happy Birthday, America! I hope you like your dynamic online digital blob present so far! USA! USA! USA! USA!

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Saturday - July 5th, 2014 A.D.

All the leading alt music blobs agree. Widowspeak are a real good band. They play a FREE show today (with Zachary Cale) at Union Pool for “Summer Thunder.” I’d pay to see this one. I’m not going to. But I would. And that I don’t back down from.

Speaking of Union Pool, Long Island’s Iron Chic play there later tonight. This one isn’t free. But that’s OK. Because Iron Chic rule and recently released one of my favorite shred records of the year. I’d pay to see this one. And I will. This song rules.

Hyper melodic alt ‘n b synthpop band Hundred Waters play Glasslands. The heavens shall open and the celestial trumpets shall sound the alarm at this one. Here come the angels.

The Beach Boys play Jones Beach. “Pet Sounds” was alright. But I liked this band best when Uncle Jesse was in it. Nobody this side of Neil Peart can smash the skins like Stamos can.

(little known fact: Alanis Morissette's smash hit 1995 song “You Oughta Know” was about Cousin Joey!)

Other notable shows = Nancy Whang of LCD/Juan Maclean at Brooklyn Bowl + Brian Chase of the YYYs and a bunch of others at Knockdown Center + The Body and Thou at Palisades + St. Lucia at The Surf Lodge (that’s in Montauk tho, yo)

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Sunday - July 6th, 2014 A.D.

Hannibal Buress does a free show at Knitting Factory. He’s a funny dude. Sure. But do you want to know how many free Hannibal Buress shows at Knitting Factory I’ve listed by hand on the site over the year or so? Me neither. Because that means I would have to go back and count them all. Let’s just say it’s a LOT. And then to add to that, let’s just say 44 times. Sure. 44 free Hannibal Buress shows at Knitting Factory sounds about right. If you miss this one, don’t worry, somehow I think there will be other chances. Because life is full of them.

Other notable shows = The Leftovers on HBO

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Thanks for reading, America. You’re pretty much my favorite country.

USA! USA! USA! USA! WHOA MY BLOBNESS! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP! DEREK JETER! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!

And on and on it goes….

(those who don’t read to the end are seriously missing out)