You've opened it. Good luck! If you don't read at least seven sentences from this Best Shows of the Week feature, tragic circumstances will befall you, such as: #1.) you will have more time to waste on other spaces that don't talk about shows and are therefore sordid and rotten to their SEO-driven core; #2.) you may slip on a banana peel tonight on your way home from your daily obligations and people will laugh at you, not with you, even though you try to play it off with quick instinct by launching into a Charlie Chaplin-meets-Buster Keaton elaborate, though not fully realized, slapstick scene involving unwitting pedestrians and lunged-for lamp posts; #3.) your friend will ask you for recommendations on who to see this week and you will say, "I don't know," and you will instantly lack all credibility with that friend and the relationship will crumble and wither away and that's too bad because that was the only friend that really got the real YOU; #4.) Oh My Rockness will come to your house and be all like, "Why did you act all messed up to me?" And we'll then just stare at each other awkwardly, fumbling for words that never come.

But moving on, there are some Best Shows this week and I'd love to tell you about them. Yo La Tengo starts this week off with a free show at everyone's favorite place when they need a public bathroom and STAT - Barnes & Noble in Union Square. (Mon - 1.14)

Freelance Whales are playing Maxwell's (Tue - 1.15) and I, for one, am happy those freelancers haven't gone back to the dread that is the full-time 9 - 5 gig. Oh wait, I guess it's 9 - 6 now. Oh wait, now they're expecting us to work 9 - 7pm. How much more of our lives can we give you?! Office workers need a union. And you heard that here FIRST.

Only in NYC could a John Cale residency be sort of an afterthought. But John Cale is playing BAM three nights this week. He’s a rock legend. Ho-hum. No big deal. (Wed. - 1/16, Fri. 1/18, Sat. - 1/19.)

The delightful School of Seven Bells are playing a FREE show at the Dr. Martens store (Wed. - 1.16). I've been meaning to get a pair of those shoes since 1992. But I've been saving up for a chain wallet first.

John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats is doing a FREE show too. He's always so generous like that. That's why he's pretty much my favorite Ph.D-POP artist.

A note for the hard hitters reading this who enjoy experiencing electric rock 'n roll musical guitars - go see Roomrunner at Shea Stadium (Fri. 1/18). They shred. They blast. They will be your undoing... if you don't wear earplugs.

Speaking of shredding - Obits are playing two shows this week. They really like playing at shops. (The Rock Shop. Fri. - 1/18 + Cake Shop. Sat. - 1/19)

Palma Violets are the latest craze for .0001% of the population! Better get on these buzzy guys so you can say you saw them when they practically weren't even all that buzzy yet. And your friends will be like, "Oh, really? That's cool, I guess. In related news, I'm 8 months away from becoming a spinal surgeon so I'm not sweating it either." (Shea Stadium. Sat. - 1/19)

Many more good shows this week at various venues - including this band callled Morrissey, The Juan Maclean, Heavenly Beat, Big Ups, Scott & Charlene’s Wedding, Mission of Burma, Selebrities and more but I don't feel like typing more names. I mean, that's why we have this list linked below this. Just click the list. Just click the list! And anyway, if you don't click the list at least 7 times, tragedy could very well befall you. You might even skip your afternoon coffee because you're misguided into thinking you want to limit your caffeine intake for the sake of a healthier body. The horror! The horror!

VIEW ALL OF THIS WEEK'S SHOW PICKS HERE >>