Daddy's Curses: The Funniest F&*%ing Thing I've Ever Heard - Oh My Rockness

Random Rockness
June 17, 2016

Written by Patrick McNamara

"Daddy's Curses" is the funniest f&*%ing thing I've ever heard.

I've listened to this audio recording countless times now and it still makes me break out into little fits of giggles whenever I revisit its profane glory. And I'm not a big giggler by nature.

Here's the simple backstory about this legendary tape:

Sometime long ago (the 1980's, perhaps) a kid secretly recorded his dad alone in his garage trying to fix an old piano. As the tape rolls, we hear Daddy banging away....and cursing...a lot. But it's not just the number curses, it's the way he curses, that makes this, in my opinion, a true comedic masterpiece.

Daddy ("I swear to Christ, Bruce!") deftly weaves between the total profane (“You dog fucking son of a bitch!") that's hilariously overblown for the problem at hand (again, this is an old piano he's banging away at) to the nonsensical (“Just busted the shhhh fucking snot outta my goddamn….") to perfect little pepperings of G rated exclamations (Nuts. Phooey and nuts. And phooey AND nuts.) before quickly launching back into another barrage of ridiculous curses (“You rat dog. You absolute idiot. You glorified motherfucker. You stupid pig fuck.").

There are so many legendary quotes here. You will learn them in no time.

I invite you to listen to "Daddy's Curses" now and enjoy the next 11 minutes of the rest of your life.

(Please note: I have also taken the liberty of transcribing “Daddy's Curses" below as a supplemental guide to your streaming experience. I'm not a professional transcriber or anything like that. I just listened to this over and over and when I wasn't giggling like a madman I wrote down what I heard. Feel free to read along as you listen. Or, save it for the end. Or, read it first. Whatever you want to do, really!)

(tape begins to the sound of hammering)

KID: Dad, do you need any help?

BRUCE: No! Of course not!

(kid exits garage)

BRUCE: Aww, of course I needed help before. Now what.

You fucker. You scumbag.

You dog fucking son of a bitch!


God, I hate this!

Cheap piece of shit!

Spend the $300 and buy the right fucking tool, ya fucking moron.

Goddamn it!

Piece of Shit!

What a rotten fuckbag this thing is.

Just busted the shhhh FUCKING snot outta my goddamn____

FUCK-ing thing!


Son of a bitch.

You rat dog. You absolute idiot. You glorified motherfucker. You stupid pig fuck.

Gosh darn it. Gosh darn it anyway. Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it! Doggone it anyway!

What a pain in the asshole!

Doggone it anyway!

Gosh darn it!

You FUCKING whoremaster. You miserably bloody fucking bastard!

Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it!

You mother-FUCK! Bastard!

You miserable cocking suck son of a bitch! Goddamn it!

(extended silence)

Double fucking bullshit. Mother fucking dog licking goddamn bullshit.

Nuts. Phooey and nuts. And phooey AND nuts.

(garage door closes)

(garage door opens)

KID: Folks, he'll be back soon.

(garage door closes)

(garage door opens)

(garage door closes)

(inaudible muttering)

BRUCE: Gosh darn it I hate these bicycles I fucking HATE THEM!




Oh, you son a bitch. You miserable son of a gun. You absolute son of a bitch.


Now what.


You dog.


You dog licker!


You miserable son of a gun!


Now what. You fuck. GET OUTTA HERE YA BASTARD!


Aw, you son of a gun. You son of a gun. You miserable stupid toad. I swear to Christ, Bruce. Aww fuck! Gosh darn it! Gosh darn it anyway! Goddamn it! Fucking thing! Son of a bitch! Bastard! Mother! Goddamn you!

(sound of tools being thrown)

You son of a bitch. You slimy fucking dog. You scumbag asshole. Goddamn it. Goddamn it. Goddamn it. God-DAMN it!

(hammer drops)


(drawer closes)

You scuzz-hole! You miserable bloody FUCK-ing thing!

(door slams)

Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Goddamn it!

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck? Half my fucking papers have disappeared!

I don't know. Asshole…..

Joshua? Nevermind.


BRUCE: You want your synthesizer on?


BRUCE: I turned it off


I don't………………...fuck it.

(door closes)

(inaudible curses)


(end tape)


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